


Goodbye Day

by flipflop_diva



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Brainwashing, Bucky Barnes as Captain America, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, F/M, Fights, Heavy Angst, Hydra (Marvel), Natasha Romanoff as The Winter Solider, POV Natasha Romanov, Remix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-12 18:49:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16001177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flipflop_diva/pseuds/flipflop_diva
Summary: Most of the time, she doesn't think. There is nothing to think about anyway. Mostly there is pain. And darkness. And nothingness. But sometimes there is a tickle in the back of her mind and she remembers a boy with bright blue eyes.An AU where Natasha is the Winter Soldier and Bucky is Captain America.





	Goodbye Day

**Author's Note:**

  * For [red_b_rackham](https://archiveofourown.org/users/red_b_rackham/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Hello Night](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3803686) by [red_b_rackham](https://archiveofourown.org/users/red_b_rackham/pseuds/red_b_rackham). 



> Written for the Remix Revival 2018 fest.
> 
> It's probably best to read red_b_rackham's amazing [Hello Night](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3803686?show_comments=true#comments) first. As soon as I read it, I knew that was the fic I wanted to remix. I had so much fun with this. I hope you all enjoy!

Most of the time, she doesn’t think. There is nothing to think about. She doesn’t have a name, a background, an anything. All she knows is what is what they tell her. 

And pain. She knows pain. And darkness. And fear. 

She knows the people who come to her, who shove plates of food at her, who put her in chains and lead her to the one in charge. She knows she doesn’t like the chair they put her in, but she knows she doesn’t like even more not doing what they say.

She does know fighting, though. And killing and missions. They tell her she is very good at those and she knows she must be. After all, she does what they tell her to do and she doesn’t ask questions. 

Sometimes, though, she tries to think. There are times, on missions, where she has to lie in wait. Where she must sit in silence until her target is in sight. When she must hide away and watch until it is time for action.

Sometimes on these missions, when she is waiting, she sees things. She sees people —adults and children and couples and families. Walking, talking, laughing. Without chains and cells and pain. She always watches them, always studies them, always wonders about them.

She doesn’t remember anything before these missions or before the cells and the chains. It hurts her head to try and think about it. But sometimes, when it has been a long time since they made her sit in the chair, she feels something, like a tickle in the back of her mind, like something trying to get out, and she wonders if there had once been something before the pain.

•••

Sometimes she dreams. About a boy with bright blue eyes and a beautiful smile who kisses her and makes her paper flowers. Sometimes she wakes up after these dreams and wishes they were real. 

But then the men come in and they look at her face and they drag her to the chair, and once again, all she knows is pain, and then there are no more dreams about boys who hold her and promise her the world.

•••

Her mission is to kill the scientist, no matter who gets in the way. The man gets in the way. He stands in front of the scientist, blue eyes shining. 

She pulls out her gun and shoots. The bullet goes through the man and keeps going. The scientist falls to the ground, lifeless.

Mission success.

•••

There is a tickle in the back of her mind as they fight. The man with the blue eyes is very strong. He has a shield, and he hits her with it over and over and over. But she has a mission. And she is tougher. More ruthless. The man with the blue eyes doesn’t want to go in for the kill, she can tell, but she has no such qualms. 

She slashes at him, aims for his heart. He grabs her arm, knocks her away with a boot to the chest. She stumbles backward, off balance, and falls. Her mask they make her wear comes loose, obscuring her vision. 

She yanks it away and jumps to her feet. 

The man with the blue eyes stares at her. 

“Nat?” He says, and for a split second, she stares at him in confusion. He looks like he is talking to her, but targets don’t talk to her. And she doesn’t understand his word.

“Natasha?” he says.

She still doesn’t understand any of this. She wonders if he is hallucinating.

“Who the hell is Natasha?”

•••

She tries to ask them about the man with the blue eyes.

“Do I know him?”

“You tried to kill him earlier,” the one in charge says. “He’s your mission.”

Yes, her mission. She knows he is her mission.

Something tickles the back of her mind. She tries to ask again, but they are already strapping down her arms to the chair. She knows what is coming.

She screams.

•••

It’s like something has changed and she doesn’t understand. The tickle in the back of her mind is there more often now, even when they let her out of the chair. She doesn’t say anything, though. She knows the one in charge doesn’t want to hear it.

But she can see the boy with the blue eyes in her mind, the one who kisses her and leaves her paper flowers. And then she can see the target she is supposed to kill. He has blue eyes too.

Her head hurts when she tries to think about it. 

•••

Her orders are clear. Stop the man with the blue eyes at any cost. 

They are up on one of the helicarriers. If she kills him now, they win. She understands that. She is focused and ready. She does not lose fights. She has never lost a fight. She does not remember them all, but this she is sure of.

But this man is different. He keeps trying to talk to her, and there is that tickle again at the back of her mind.

“You’re my… Nat, you were gonna marry me,” he says.

An image pops into her mind. Of a blue-eyed boy holding her hand. 

She shakes her head. She only has one mission. 

She charges, catches him more than a couple times. She grunts when he smashes her with his shield, but she recovers and comes after him again. He is doing his best to slow her down as the helicarrier crashes down around them, but she is determined to kill him. She dives and spins, he counters her attack, and then her knife slips under his guard, driving through fabric and flesh below his ribs.

He holds on, swinging wildly, blood soaking his uniform. An explosion tears through the ship, and he falls down. This is her chance. She’s on top of him before he has can recover, striking him, over and over…

He’s flat on his back, spent, broken, stabbed in the gut. She kneels over him, bloody fist poised to hit him again, to end it all. But her arm is trembling. The tickle in the back of her mind is growing more insistent and all she can see is a blue-eyed boy kissing her on a bench.

That is not her mission.

“You’re my mission,” she grounds out through gritted teeth.

“It’s okay,” the blue-eyed man says, and something about his voice makes her falter more. “It’s okay, Nat.” He chuckles then, and she doesn’t understand why he’s laughing. “You don’t owe me dinner, Red.”

She blinks at him. The tickle becomes more pronounced. A name pops into her head.

An explosion rips around them and then he is falling down, down, down, and she is holding on to anything she can to not fall too.

“Bucky,” she thinks.

•••

It is not her mission to disobey.  They will kill her if she disobeys. 

She hides from them, watches as people come to fish the blue-eyed man from the water. She trails them, sees where they take him. It is not very heavily guarded. She knows that is a mistake.

There is a wadded-up napkin on the ground by the entrance to the hospital. She picks it up without thinking.

Hours later she leaves it for him in his room. He is sleeping, but she puts it on the nightstand by the window. She’s made it into a flower.

She can’t remember, but she thinks it might mean something.


End file.
